Lost In Thought: A Retrospective
In this post, I talk about negative self talk, awareness, and finding peace.
I’m going to level with you for a brief time about some thoughts that have been circling my mind since the start of the new year.
This all started with one question that I’m sure plagues most of us…
Where am I Going?
Lately, I have felt like I’m in a constant state of catching up. It has been such a strong feeling of late that I have pushed myself to unhealthy levels in the pursuit of “finding my success”.
Now success itself is not the issue, but my unhealthy relationship to it. This is characterized by the internal dialogue of self destructive thought I developed,
I have no time for rest…
I’m afraid of not reaching higher…
will I amount to anything…?
I don’t deserve to be happy if I’m not being productive…
How can I provide if I take a break…?
You may be asking, why share something so personal? My hope is this post may find those who are also struggling with this, and take away some small token of wisdom.
The Creative Act
I was listening to an audio format of the Creative Act: A Way of Being by Rick Rubin, and there was a section on awareness,
“We can expand our awareness and narrow It.
experience it with our eyes open or closed.
We can quiet our inside so we can perceive more on the outside, or quiet the outside so we can notice more of what’s happening inside.
We can zoom in on something so closely it loses the features that make it what it appears to be.
Or zoom out so far it seems like something entirely new.”
It gave me pause to think of how I perceive myself and my surroundings, or to consider if I am perceiving them at all?
Finding A New Way of Thinking
As Rubin said, “We can zoom in on something so closely it loses the features that make it what it appears to be.” This rings true to the negative self talk I’ve developed on my own abilities and character, a kind of tunnel vision, unable to see clearly the good things around me or the correct way to live.
In honest, it feels impossible to actually make clear movement in any meaningful way.
While this may sound inherently dark, there is a bright side to this story. Because of this dilemma, I’m now forced to discover a better lifestyle. When my health started to drop into disarray, I decided to take things easy for a change. No more extra work, no more guilt tripping myself into finding success.
After listening to a couple of podcasts, audio books, talking with friends and family, this is what I’ve concluded.
The surest way to answer my question of Where am I Going? Is to reframe it into How should I live?
Through this lens there is a beauty in discovering what makes you happy, healthy, and content. I can say it is a constant work in progress, and there may not be a time when I feel I have arrived. But the first step was to reduce the areas of stress, incorporate strategies to create ease in my life, and practice the art of being aware. Ultimately, the goal is to refocus my time back into what ignites my soul and fills my vessel.
Practically speaking, this is achieved through spending time with the ones I love. Creating art with my hands to express the inner workings of my heart. Be open to new experiences no matter the outcome.
Remaining aware. Finding peace. Moving Forward.
Zine Coming Soon.
So as you saw earlier in this post, there is an illustration and it’s description reads,
“A child suspended in space is wrapped in himself, surrounded by shapes and lines. He progresses in this state until the moment he looks up to catch the faint wisp of air. Upon realizing there is more to see, he opens himself up to see new wonders unknown”.
This was a personal drawing I jotted down to release some tension one evening. It serves as a reminder that “zooming in” to hear myself must be balanced with “zooming out” to be aware of the good around me.
These drawings are part of a new series which will be a zine once it is finished! It details my personal thoughts and journals moments of significant growth through beautifully illustrated inky pages. Plus the writing you read here may end up in the zine too.
Comment on this post with a piece of advice you’ve heard that helped you, I’d love to hear your side of this struggle.
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I hope to have you along for the journey.
~ Jonathan
I think you know the way to true inner peace and when that is achieved you realise all along that life is good. Even the tough places have a purpose--sometimes just to stop and take stock. Unfortunately, life isn't the red EASY button, but tough times shall pass and the venture continues. I find that taking a deep breath, looking up, and knowing who's got my back always does the trick. We're not in this race alone.
Your piece is well written and thought provoking. I look forward to see what comes from these trying times. Hang in there and press on.